Best of Both Worlds - I Guess this is Goodbye...

I have debated about writing on this, but it's been on my mind lately. For the last three years I have become increasingly frustrated with my single friends. It's not their fault of course. I have been unable to find a way to balance my single side of life with my relationship with Daniel. I know what it's like to be single, and I know that it can be terribly hard when what you are yearning for is a relationship with someone who can fill that hole in your heart. Although God should always be able to do that ideally. Sometimes it is hard to put away those feelings of yearning you have, but the grass is not always greener on the other side.

My sophomore year, the first year Daniel and I dated, two of my roommates had serious boyfriends, so it was very easy to relate to them even if I did not see them often. Junior year was a different story. I'm not sure if they realized it, but I struggled balancing the two parts of my life constantly, and my heart ached. Every time I left to spend time with Daniel, I felt like I was missing out on all of the fun single activities they did and I felt like I could not be intimate with my girlfriends because in many ways I could not identify with them.

This year with my obligations to WSGA, I neglected Daniel like none other, and I feel terrible for that. However, I feel like for the past year I have lived a life of singleness. Since my duties with WSGA have been over, I have tried to put Daniel first in my life (after God always). Today I was reminded of what it is like to miss out on the single life once again, and I again felt the frustration of my junior year! Why can't I get past this?

Today reminded me of what it is I have to do in August, and I think it's time to start making the transition. I am moving to a house 10 minutes away from Washburn, I am getting married, and I am going to law school. I will know the extreme side of non-singleness for the next year. It is time for my frustrations to end. I love hanging out with my single friends, but it hurts so much to have to choose all the time. It is going to hurt to give up my single life, but I have to do this because I know it will fulfill me for the long term. I already feel fulfilled through my relationship with Daniel and our married and/or dating friends.

So I guess this is goodbye...

At the end of the day...

Today was rough. I am one of those lucky people who goes to sleep whenever I darn well want to. It's something I actually brag about. Last night was an unusual night for me. I was plagued by thoughts of WSGA. Let's just say, from that point on, my day just did not go well. I won't go into detail, for good reason.

I went running after everything was done, which really helped clear my thoughts. This is why I love running. I am in my best shape when I am having a hard time with things. It gives me time to think.

Daniel came over after my run, and he was prepared to hear about this awful day I had, and for some reason I had no need to tell him. My heart was at peace about everything. For some reason God chose to bless me with peace at this moment. It's like God decided at that moment to show me the wider view of things. My worries were minute in the bigger picture, not because there are worse things in life, but because there are so many wonderful things in the here and now and in the future of God's Kingdom. At the end of the day, I know that God is waiting there for me saying "oh...Whitney, my child." I am such a silly little child.

I always like to use the example of the disciples on the boat when Jesus fell asleep in the storm (Matthew 8:23-27). I just imagine Jesus waking up and saying "you fools!" He told them they'd get across the sea, and when the one and only God says something is going to happen, you'd better believe it. Jesus was right there with them, but they lost faith. How unreasonable does this look to the observer? Funny thing is, it's easy to see how unreasonable the situation was from beyond the boat. I like to tell my friends to step off the boat and look at the situation. We do the same thing all the time. Jesus is right here with us, yet we freak out like the disciples. Tonight, for some reason, God chose to take me off the boat and show me the bigger picture.

Now all I can do is sing His praises. How incredible is He?

Mi Debilidad

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
-2 Corinthian 12:9

I could write on this verse daily. It is one of the central paradoxes of Christianity. How can I be strong when I am weak? Most people won't admit to their weaknesses because they know that in American society and in the world, it is the fittest who survive. No one wants to be seen as weak, especially in the world of business and politics. I have had mine own experience with this. When Amy and I won the WSGA elections this spring, when they announced our names, I felt terrible. That is my weakness. I could not take the win. I am not claiming humility. I felt like I had stolen someone's dreams, which I may have. However, the reality is, things like this happen all the time. Someone interviews for a job and they don't get it. Well, someone has to lose. Must the winner feel guilty? Should the interviewee who was awarded the position give it up because he or she feels bad? Of course not, but that does not help them feel better.

Unfortunately, I feel this way a lot of the time, and this weakness is used against me. I am a sucker for people who tell me I am undeserving because I KNOW I'M UNDERSERVING. I don't deserve anything I have. After all, God gave it all to me. I have no control of my life, because God provides everything for me whether I derserve it or not:

Do Not Worry
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?

-Matthew 6:25-27 (NIV)

Many people know that I am easy to get at. They try to make me believe I don't deserve this position, but the funny thing is, I know I don't deserve it. So their efforts are pointless. However, just as I receive God's Grace as a free gift with no strings attached, I will accept this gift. I use God's Grace as an opportunity, and I will use this position as an opportunity. Just as God decreed in the parable of the talents, I have made the decision to invest my talents in a greater cause rather than dig a hole and stick my head in it.

"For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him."
-Matthew 25:29 (NIV)

I am also willing to suffer for a greater cause. We learned about Paul at TBC this Sunday. He knew he was to suffer, but he also knew it was for a greater cause, and he did it with joy. This kind of joy only comes from God and His Son:

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" - Philippians 4:4

Immunity

I just recently got engaged to my boyfriend of almost 2 years, and I am very happy. One thing I don't think many people understand is the difficulties and responsibilities that come with a serious relationship. It's definitely worth the struggles, but I do wish that people were more understanding sometimes. I really appreciate those people who still think of me often and have never given up on me. I spent about a year of my life totally consumed with Daniel. He was my only friend that year, but when I came out of my trance, there were a few faithful friends who were still standing there waiting for my return. So to all of you, I thank you, and I love you.

I always thought that when I found my true love I would be immune from heart ache, but what I have found out is that my heart aches even more. It aches for Daniel. Sometimes I miss him so much it hurts. It also hurts when I know I have to make sacrifices. My heart aches for my friends and family. I can't hang out with all of my friends as much as I used to because Daniel is worth the sacrifice. On the other hand, I don't want to be dead to the world. I still love to hang out with my friends, and although I may say no to their invitations part of the time, I really really appreciate it when they still include me. It really hurts me when they don't. When I know I am the only person not invited, as much as it makes me feel like a little girl, it hurts.

I'm not sure if sometimes people assume that I have plans, but the truth of the matter is that I want so badly to just be included. I set aside a lot of my time for Daniel, but sometimes I just go out to him because he is my safe haven when I've had my feelings hurt. He will hold me in his arms as long as it takes while I cry my eyes out. Everyone wants to be included, and NO ONE is immune from feelings of wantonness.

Surface Leadership

Reading about Solomon, I have found myself almost jealous of his wisdom and intelligence. However, as I read farther, I have found that, yes Solomon was seen as one of the wisest rulers in history, but he let the power get to his head. He was a very harsh ruler, excessively taxing his people and drafting them into labor and military service. The biggest mistake he made was in his personal life. He fell away from God as time went on. He married pagan wives in order to secure diplomatic relationships. He compromised his personal life in order to be a politician.

This is something I really want to avoid. I don't want to go about politicking just for the sake of politicking. I want to show people that I truly care about them and believe in what I'm doing. If I do that, I really believe I can be an effective leader. I need to be a spiritual leader before I am a political leader.

Solomon's Prayer

Verse for the Week:

So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours? 1 Kings 3:9

The only thing Solomon prayed for when he took the throne of Israel is that he may not only have wisdom from God, but that he (Solomon) could take the right action himself. It is a scary thing to govern a student body, let alone a nation. Solomon was man enough to admit that he could not do it. When he asks who could, he is stating rhetorically that no one but God could actually do it. On any level of leadership, this is how people should humbly come before God. Solomon's prayer has become my prayer for this week especially, and for the whole next year to come.

Contemplation

My stomach feels like it's rubbing itself raw inside right now. I've been trying to contemplate my thoughts and feelings for awhile now and I can't am at a loss. I've been reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning for the last few days and he was talking about inner contemplation and self-examination. It's possible that I just need to read farther, but he didn't seem to answer the questions in my mind right at this moment.

I know I'm not perfect and I'm a sinner like everyone else, so the fact that I'm Christian doesn't make me better than anyone. But what if I know a fellow-Christian is wrong or at least I'm pretty sure? Am I being proud and self-righteous or are my feelings right? How can I ever tell? Can you see why my stomach is eating itself alive right now? It just makes me sick to think about it. I know I am a proud person and sometimes I think everyone is right in my life only to find God saying to me: "You ungrateful turd," like He whispered to Brennan Manning.

I'm trying to get to the point of confirmation or total rejection. If my feelings are confirmed, then should I confront my friend? What if it's too late by then? What if I'm supposed to take my feelings on faith? What is God trying to teach me? It's difficult for me not to let my human emotions get in the way. The problem is, I see my friend acting and talking, and I find myself disagreeing with most of what she is saying, but I feel like I can't say a thing. She's a Christian, but we just don't see things eye to eye. Is one of us wrong? I've found that when I've talked about these things out loud with Christian friends, the result is a lot of yelling and the silent treatment for days. But in the end, it worked out for the best. We are both better people for it. So maybe it is worth the struggle, even if my human emotions are completely in the way. I'm human too after all. We're all ragamuffins. How could I ever confront a friend without allowing the human side of me to get in the way? I am a human after all. Worst than that, I'm a woman. Even I can admit that women let their emotions get in the way. But the more I deny my feelings, the worse the situation gets and I just get more frustrated. I should probably just let it all out now before I blow. Like Hannah would say, "just let it all out, buddy."