The Vine

I finally feel like I've found peace after so long. I can't even remember the last time I felt this peace deep down inside me. Last summer perhaps? I suppose it's probably easier to find peace when you don't have much to do. When I was in Moscow last summer, I had a lot of down time to think. I had time to write in my blog obviously. Now that I don't have a lot of time, and I have a dozen due dates hanging over my head at any given moment, finding peace becomes a challenge. Shelly and Amy finally dragged me to a Bible Study with some girls in another building in the village a few weeks ago. I was apprehensive about going because I was fearful of rejection. I was fearful of not fitting in. I had so much doubt that these women were going to have anything in common with me. They had no idea what I was going through and what my problems were.

On that particular evening they were studying John 15.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:5 (NIV)

I thought to myself, I am trying so hard to bear good fruit, and yet I have a feeling of discontent all the time. I am always worried about my grades, if I am active enough, and if I'm working hard enough in my organizations. I see others succeeding and working so hard, and I say to myself, if they can do it, so can I.

I stayed closed up in my shell until one of the girls dared to say aloud exactly what I was feeling! I couldn't believe someone much like me was having the same fears as I was having. I have such a huge fear of failure. Every day I wonder if I'm going to fail. Every class I go to, I feel like a failure. I feel like every test I take and paper I write is going to have a big fat "B", or even worse a "C" on it, which to me would be failure. The key words here are: "to me." I know God doesn't care what grades I get or if I'm suceeding in my organizations or doing enough activities. Why is this fear still looming over my head? I would have to say that at that time I worshipped that fear of failure. Fear of failure is the vine I was had hooked myself onto. I was clinging on to it, and I was dying because I cannot bear fruit on any vine but that of God. I made a decision that night to stop making fear my idol. I cannot worship God and another idol. I have so many idols, and they are killing me every day. I only ask that God will take them away from me because I know that I cannot do it alone without the grace of Jesus Christ.

It was sooo good to know that those girls were having the same feelings and fears as I was! I immediately felt a wave of peace and grace falling over me.

Two Mondays ago I took an in class test in my American Lit. class, and I got a "B". I turned in the out of class portion of the test, and when I got it back it had a big fat "B-" on it. Was I upset? No. Okay maybe a little. I'm not perfect. I haven't clicked very well with my teacher since the semester began. I scheduled a meeting with him on Friday. I pulled out my test and I said, "I'm not going to ask you to change my grade, but I do want to know why I got it." I explained to him that I've gotten over worrying about what grades I was getting, but I was not going to stop working hard. Subconsciously when I went to the Bible Study that Sunday night, all I wanted was to be able to work hard, get things done, but have a peace about it. Going into that meeting with my teacher proved that I could do it. No. That God would give it to me. He never said it would be easy, and it wasn't. I just appreciate what God has given me a lot more now.